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When a couple brings a child into the world, both parties hope that together they can share all the moments that this sweet creature is going to give them and build together a future for the little one. This is the ideal stamp that all parents dream of, but there are times when things are not as desired. The man and the woman find disagreements, enter into crisis and decide to divorce. It is a situation of pain and suffering for adults and children, but how to mitigate this damage in our children?What divorced parents should never do or say to their children.
From the moment we decide as adults that we are to bring a baby into this world, we have to be aware that the life of that little person will depend on us for the first few years and that what we do or not do will greatly influence its realization. as a person and how he is going to forge his personality.
If we yell at him, if we give him a lot of kisses, if we overprotect him ... For better or for worse, depending on how you look at it, his childhood will mark how the child is grown up. Parents always try to do our best, but what happens is that kids don't come with an instruction book under their arm and there are circumstances where we get overwhelmed and may not get it all right.
How do you tell a child that his parents are going to separate? And that we are going to divorce? Finding the tools for this is difficult and complicated. Those who have gone through this say that, whatever we do, the children are going to have a hard time, but the time and intensity of that pain and suffering depends on us.
María Teresa Puchol Soriano is a magistrate of the Mixed Court 1 of Huesca, Aragon (Spain). Your name may not tell you anything, but if we tell you that her pseudonym on Twitter is Lady Crocs perhaps things will change, because you may be one of the 74,000 followers she has on this social network.
He recently posted a thread on Twitter to talk her experience as the daughter of divorced parents, mother of children of divorced parents and writer of dozens (if not hundreds) of divorce, separation or modification of measures.
But not only that, it has created a kind of decalogue of what DO NOT tell the children never when a divorce proceeding beginsand he wanted to share it with his followers, but also with us, with our site
It is a text that fits perfectly with the reality of many parents and children who live in a situation caused by a separation. She herself admits that it has been hard to shape it, 'I had been with the idea for almost a year and I could not quite find the moment, but finally I did it because it seemed to me that it could be useful', but here it is.
1. Who do you want to go with, Mom or Dad?
They asked me that question when I was eight years old and it still reverberates in my head. That decision is made by adults, not children; And they should do it according to their circumstances and for the benefit of the child. If you ask a child that point-blank, you can create a kind of feeling of loyalty to one or the other, which will generate an inner conflict. Can you imagine that they ask you about your children?
2. Dad / mom has sued me for a divorce
If the decision is communicated in this way, one of the parents is being blamed for having made it and is guiding what the child should feel. They should be informed, but lovingly and aseptically. I am more in favor of saying things like 'we are now dating and we prefer to live each in another house', or 'we have stopped understanding each other or sharing the same things' ... But never focus on one of them.
3. Dad / mom has abandoned us
This phrase is devastating for the emotional development of a child. If the adult feels this way, let them overcome the duel, but it is not possible to pretend to share a feeling of that caliber with someone who has a clear reference in both figures. Even if you feel that the other parent is a bad creature, it is an idea or feeling that will have to be shared with friends, parents, psychologist or the pillow. If the child must discover that he is a bad creature, let him do it himself. At the end of the day it is still a subjective assessment.
4. Your father / mother used to ... tell me ...
The reasons or conflicts of separation is something that children should not know. When they grow up and ask, if you want to share the information, while they are children you should not speak ill of the other parent. The care and assistance of parents is a right-duty. It should be enjoyed, but it is also a responsibility that must be assumed. How could it be done correctly if the child goes to the house of who he thinks he is or has been a monster with his other parent?
5. I would, darling, but your parent doesn't want to
If there are discrepancies between the parents about a decision, it should not be communicated this way to the children, much less if there is separation in between and a latent conflict, because it generates resentment of the child over the other person. In case of conflict on an issue I think it is better to tell them in an objective way that you do not agree on that issue and that you are talking about it to solve it in the best possible way, without blaming and without involving the child.
6. Tell your mother / father that
No, I do not think that children are the ones who should communicate any controversy between parents. I think it is better to answer something like 'well, we will talk about it dad / mom and I and see what solution we can take'.
7. I go to court because ...
This information, like the words demand, complaint, lawyer and other legal terms, children do not have to hear or know them. Only in the event that they have to go to court to testify. In those cases, I think the best thing is to try to anticipate what the building is like, where they are going to tell their story ('declare' no, it's too technical for them), who they will talk to ... Even make a playmobils theater at home with the different characters. It also seems very important to me to take away the iron from the matter, that he does not feel that his statement is transcendental for the world order (for a child this is precisely the development of his life in the family).
8. Your mother / father doesn't love us
No, that can never be said to a child. He may not love you anymore, and it may be very painful to do so, but never say such a thing to your child. Surely his father does love him and, if not, let him discover it.
9. I cannot because my father / mother does not pay me my pension
The financial problems of adults should not be shared with children, if this problem is caused by the behavior of one of them with a greater reason. If so, let the child discover it over time.
10. He has left us for another
I insist that the reasons for the separation should not be communicated to the children, but this in particular to a lesser extent because that 'other / other' may end up being the child's stepfather or stepmother and having a bad perception of that figure is not appropriate.
Lady Crocs does not pretend to be what she is not, psychologist, she simply talks about something that she has lived in her own flesh and that she sees every day because of her work in court. "They are small guidelines based on what I would have liked my parents to do, what I would like to see in court and what I try to put into practice with my life."
Psychologists emphasize the importance of parents maintaining correct conduct and behavior in situations of separation and divorce, to show that they are civilized people. Their actions will have an impact on the child and their impact on this will depend on how this process is and, also, on the age of the child. Thus it affects a divorce process according to the age of the child.
- Up to three years
Babies do not understand what is happening around them, but they do feel and perceive the things that are around them. If there is a relaxed atmosphere, he will be happy; On the other hand, if it is difficult to breathe, the child's behavior will be different. Therefore, just as we will try not to argue and shout in front of the older children, let us do the same with the younger ones.
On the other hand, it should be noted that notice the absence of a parent and may be irritable. The fear of abandonment, typical of this age group, can increase and be fed. Advice: do not vary the routines so that you feel that everything 'remains the same'.
In the case of children who are between 2 and 3 years old, a time when the child is in the process of making great progress (eating alone, talking, putting off the diaper ...), a divorce or separation can slow him down or have what are known as regressions, for example, peeing again in bed or stuttering.
His emotions, he knows, identifies or handles them, they will get on a roller coaster and we will notice very abrupt mood swings. Parents should not try to get angry with him and help him channel his feelings.
- 3 to 5 years
In this phase of development, the child is particularly curious about everything around him and does not stop asking questions. Maybe, with his rag tongue, he asks you what's wrong. The most important thing in these cases is convey the message that he is not guilty of anything. Tip: see if he changes his behavior with you, with grandparents or at school and give him security.
- From 6 to 12 years old
Sad, betrayed and angry ... This is how a child between 6 and 12 years old feels when their parents break the news. It is difficult for them to accept the situation because for them it is the only possible way and they cannot imagine life without one of their parents. It will be time to talk a lot with him and explain everything many times. Tip: Talk to your teachers at school in case they notice something strange.
In an age that is showing what their own personality is, divorce makes the child's world reel. He may push you to the limit and do 'something crazy' to get your attention and try to get you to reverse the decision. Tips: talk to teachers and also to your friends. Now with one of its great points of support!
You can read more articles similar to What Divorced Parents Should Never Say To Their Children, in the category of Relationship on site.