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The arrival of a baby means great happiness for a couple, especially if they have been looking forward to and preparing for that moment for a long time, everything in their life changes completely, it is filled with magic and responsibilities that they cannot wait to experience. . However, that bliss can be extinguished halfway. Family and friends want to be next to that couple who have lost their baby, However, sometimes we say phrases to them that, although they are without malicious intent, can do them a lot of damage.
Death is always a touchy subject for those who live it closely. Surely you remember that feeling of desolation of a deceased relative, now imagine how a mother must feel who has lost her baby in her womb or a father who will not be able to teach her everything she wanted. An abortion has a more sour uneasiness because that couple will never be able to create memories with their child, since they will not have the opportunity to meet him.
Unfortunately, we are not prepared to receive a blow of that magnitude or what to say or do to help that couple, creating in their place a tense environment that is difficult to alleviate. But it is not impossible, that's why we bring the phrases that you should not say to that couple you know and have just lost a baby and what you can do instead for them to support them.
1. Don't worry, you can always try again
Many fall into the trap of this phrase, but please avoid it at all costs. Couples are not thinking about the future, much less about conceiving again when they have lost a child. With this phrase you only show that a child is something that is easily replaced.
2. Everything will be fine, it's part of a bigger plan
Another very common phrase, especially from religious people, but remember that not all are religious practitioners and saying something like this will make parents feel that they are puppets who do not have control of their lives and they will only think: So for the next can the same thing happen to me?
3. What happened? Do you have a problem?
Spontaneous abortions are not necessarily synonymous with some problem that the mother presents, but rather a failure in the development of the embryo, it is a biological process. The mother is not to blame for it.
4. This is what happened to such a person, then he had 5 children, surely that will happen to you too
Each person is different and therefore their experiences are different, you cannot guarantee that the same thing will happen with that couple. It is better to avoid talking about supposed future children as much as possible.
5. Do not suffer so much, none is sterile
Couples can be left with a serious trauma that they will not want to try to have another child or worse, they can feel it as pressure from those close to them to be 'okay' again with this comment.
6. Do not worry, imagine how it would have been
Although in therapy we recommend that you imagine your baby and write them a goodbye letter, you prepare the parents for it first and that takes time. At first creating an appearance for your baby will only make them more miserable.
7. You need to cry and get everything out, I'm worried you don't look so bad
You do not know how that person assumes their problems. There are those who cry themselves tired, others are more pragmatic, some prefer to be distracted or keep their emotions calm in front of others. Instead of judging, just be supportive.
8. You must cheer up, so you will never get over it
On the other hand, don't force either parent to go out or have fun after the recent loss of their baby, as they need time to digest, come to terms with and accept it. Although it is good to encourage them to go out, suggest quiet walks or go to a quiet place, the last thing they want is to party.
9. It is better that it happened now instead of being ahead
This will not make either parent feel better, the loss remains the same no matter how the pregnancy progresses. Don't diminish their pain or downplay it because to them, their baby meant everything.
While it has become very clear that the above phrases do not help the couple who have recently lost their baby, here are some tips that will be useful to provide support.
- Be available for the couple
Offer to make food for them, arrange funeral services if necessary, listen to them, invite them to take a quiet walk ... Create actions that make them feel a little calmer, without extra worries.
- Listen to them
You don't need to say anything, just let them vent and offer your opinion only when they ask. Don't look for meaningless justifications or heavy condolences, try to lead a conversation where they can feel less uneasy with themselves.
- Distract them in time
It is good to let the couple grieve in silence and intimacy, but if you find that they spend too much time locked up, crestfallen, or discouraged, try doing something to cheer them up. Simple and sweet details that let them know your affection, such as walks in the park, walks in the afternoon, an afternoon of desserts or a light dinner.
- Seek advice
It may happen to us that we do not have the slightest idea about what to say or do, so visit specialized web pages and look at the testimonies of other couples or their relatives to have a clearer point. You can even suggest that the couple visit these pages or join improvement groups.
Sometimes therapeutic help is what they need, and if they feel inclined, encourage them to take therapy. Focus on finding positive things to help them at their own pace and without pressure.
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